FRIENDS!

• HUNGRY?
• Tired of those overlong prayers?
• Wish there were a simpler way of giving thanks to God for food while still getting to eat it while it's hot?

The Prayer of Derek is thankful, effective¹, and -- most importantly -- fast!

The Prayer of Derek unlocks the secrets of Biblical thanks-giving for meals. Pray a prayer that Jesus could have possibly prayed himself²! Bet even the Prayer of Jabez can't claim that!

Don't you hate how after a long day of work you're all ready to eat a dinner that smells really good and yet John (the "spiritual" one) gets asked to pray? So sure enough, you have to sit there while he thanks God for the rain and the trees and underwear and prays for dear Aunt Sue, who has colon cancer (like you need to think about that just before eating), and that he'll find his lost pocket protector and, oh yeah, thanks for the food, amen. Except now your stomach has started digesting itself and your nose hates you for having to smell the food, right? Well, here's The Prayer of Derek to the rescue!

What is the Prayer of Derek, you ask? What is this magic prayer that will give thanks to God for the food and still leave time for eating? Well, here it is:

"God, thanks for the food. Amen."

And because it's so short; it's easy to memorize. Much easier than Romans, or the Olivet Discourse, or the Prayer of Jabez, or something else that's actually in the Bible.

"BUT WAIT!" you might be saying to yourself. "If the Prayer of Derek isn't actually in the Bible, is it Biblical?" The answer to that is an overwhelming "YES!" When Jesus fed the five thousand³, did he pray a long prayer about how he was so glad that all the people could come and that God would bless their fellowship together and that they might all get saved? NO! He simply "gave thanks" and broke the bread! What could be easier?

The Prayer of Derek is a fully-Biblical, innovative, fast, and effective⁴ way to thank God for food. Learning it will revitalize your prayer life and make you more popular at parties and large dinner events as you will find yourself called upon to pray more often.

Listen to these exciting customer testimonials!

I was never sure if my prayers were boring or long or both, because when I would finish I would find people with their heads right in their plates! I was never sure if they had fallen asleep into the plates or if they were trying to snack before I'd finished praying. Now thanks to The Prayer of Derek, my family doesn't even have time to drop their heads into their plates. And even better, my wife has started speaking to me again!

Trying to 'member all of the words to "God is Great" is really hard. Now I only have to 'member this many (holds up five fingers).

After starting to pray The Prayer of Derek, many of the church members thought I had grown irreverent and disrespectful. After all, they reasoned, how will God hear me if I don't use a lot of words? So they stripped me of my position and cast me out of the church. I guess they were right since shortly after I left, they started losing weight after every church dinner they attended. Surely a sign of God's blessing. [Ed: This might not be the best example to use.]

FAQ

Is it okay to add long pauses while praying your prayer so I can still seem spiritual? (e.g., "God... ... ... Thanks ... for ... this food ... ... ... ... Amen.")

No.

What do I say to those people who complain about my short prayer?

Nothing. It's impolite to talk with your mouth full.

But seriously, isn't it just a little disrespectful?

To whom? The Bible seems to be against long prayers⁵ and Jesus always seemed to only pray publicly for short amounts of time.

But how will God know I'm thankful for the rain and the trees and underwear? And how will I be able to pray for Aunt Sue?

You mean you only pray before meals?

Um, no. Well, yes. Okay, sometimes I pray before bed. Or if I'm about to crash into another car.

Uh-huh. Here's an idea. If you actually pray to God more often, then when you sit down to eat, you'll really only have one thing to address with him. It's not like the Bible advocates that or anything either⁶...

I think I saw John's lost pocket protector by the couch. Did he check there?

Yes. And before you ask, he checked his stamp collection, his Star Trek collection, and inside his tuba.

Man, John's a geek.

And a dork.

What's the difference?

Well, a geek seems to put emphasis on the obsessive part. Dork seems to put emphasis on the "lacking social graces" part.

Yeah, John's a loser.

Ahem.

Oh, right! The prayer-thingy! Um, are you advocating this for general prayer use?

No, this is exclusively a meal prayer, as the words might suggest.

So other prayers can be long?

NO! Geez, what's wrong with you? Do you need to read Matthew 6:7 again? Public prayers need to be short. Private prayers can be as long as you want.

Okay, you've convinced me. How do I order the book?

What book?

The book with the picture at the top?

Oh that? No, that's just a drawing. There's no book. Why write a long book advocating short prayers? That would just be stupid.

Ah.

Any more questions?

Is this page a parody?

Um, yes, no, yes, no, and yes. In that order.

Meaning?...

Meaning it's supposed to be funny; it's a parody of modern evangelicalism; it's a parody of The Prayer of Jabez; but I actually believe what I've said and pray the prayer I've written before most meals.

Do you ever alter it?

I'll sometimes add a "and thanks for friends" if I'm back with a bunch of friends from college or something similar, but even 20 words is unlikely.

Footnotes

¹ - Assuming, of course, you are a righteous man (James 5:16)

² - But probably didn't. Especially since the prayer's in English.

³ - Matthew 14:19, Mark 6:41, Luke 9:16, John 6:11

⁴ - Still assuming you're righteous here (James 5:16 again)

⁵ - Matthew 6:7

⁶ - 1 Thessalonians 5:17